A manager is not your best friend

As people become managers, it’s quite common for their team members to want to commiserate with them. This is especially true for friendly, competent, reasonable-seeming managers – people want to commiserate with winners. This makes commiseration extra dangerous, as it comes with a hint of flattery (“I respect your opinion and trust your discretion”). But commiseration, especially with your direct reports, is organizational poison. It erodes the fabric of an organization and builds factions. It leads to feelings of superiority and creates a low-trust environment – even if what you’re complaining about is made up! Worst of all, it doesn’t give other teams an opportunity to improve. If I think that HR sucks, and I commiserate with my directs about it, my team is going to treat them poorly. HR will never know why, will never fix the problem, and will just think that my team are jerks (and they’ll arguably be right). Commiseration is self-fulfilling because it’s a form of victimhood: The ... Read full article.