We influence others every day, whether we intend to or not. Sometimes it is through the way we argue, sometimes through the way we listen, and sometimes simply through the story we tell about what matters. Influence is not the property of the few who hold authority. It is the currency of all relationships.
The word persuasion often carries with it the scent of manipulation, as though one person is moving another toward something they do not really want. But there is another way to hold it. Influence can be understood as an invitation. It is the art of meeting people where they are, of entering their world with respect, and of opening a door that they might choose to walk through with us.
This article invites you to consider five doors of influence: Rationalising, Asserting, Negotiating, Inspiring, and Bridging. Each opens a different path into relationship and commitment. Each has its gifts. Each, when overused, can become a wall instead of a door.
The practice is not to master all five overnight, but to grow our awareness and our range. Persuasion is not a personality trait. It is a skill. It asks us to listen, to notice, and to choose consciously how we invite others.
Our own doorway: The blind spot of preference
Most of us have a default style of persuasion. Perhaps you lean on facts. Perhaps you rely on conviction. Perhaps you search for compromise, tell stories, or call on the voices of others. None of these is wrong. Each is a doorway.
Yet our default does more than shape how we speak. It shapes how we see. If I lean on data, I may hear someone’s story as weak rather than inspiring. If I favour conviction, I may interpret hesitation as lack of commitment, when it might be an opening for negotiation. If I thrive on inspiration, I may dismiss detail-oriented questions as nit-picking rather than as a real need for clarity. If I am most comfortable with bridging, I may feel uneasy with those who are direct and independent.
Our own doorway becomes a filter. It colours what we pay attention to, what we dismiss, and how we react. The danger is that we mistake difference for resistance. We think they are being difficult, when in fact they are simply standing at another door.
Becoming aware of our preference allows us to pause. Instead of defending our own style, we can ask: What is the invitation they are offering me through their language and behaviour? Which door are they holding open that I have overlooked because I was guarding my own?
Influence begins with this act of humility. The willingness to see that the door we most trust may not be the one others are waiting at.
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