FAQ
Honorable Mentions
Hop Wtr for $30 a 12-pack: Hop Wtr, flavored naturally with hops, is the sort of nonalcoholic drink that shows up naturally at beer bars, custom-made for people who know and recognize the aromatics of citra and mosaic and pine-bearing hops. And thus it is inherently familiar to me, though the flavors seemed a little funny to my wine-loving co-taster. But Hop Watr's closest flavor relative is instead LaCroix ($7 a 12-pack on Amazon), alongside other no-calorie fizzers that have the approximate character of TV static. Like LaCroix, Hop Wtr whispers its flavor at low volume, lost sometimes to the interference of a passing breeze. Various Hop Wtr flavors are variously successful, but blood orange was far and away our favorite during a tasting. The drink's functional character is subtle. Absent caffeine or sugar, you won't feel different immediately. Instead, the drink's homeopathic effects are meant to come from L-theanine, a substance found in tea leaves that's thought to promote calm and focus, and ashwagandha, an evergreen shrub that likewise is thought to reduce cortisol levels and thus stress.
Photograph: Matthew Korfhage
Hiyo for $42 a 12-pack: Hiyo has an aggressively sunny name, Mark Rothko branding, and the usual functional mix of ashwagandha and balms and lion's mane mushrooms meant to add focus, clarity, and calm. But in a tasting of four or five flavors, it wasn't quite as likable as Juni while aiming at the same lightness and refreshment. Most successful by far was a watermelon lime flavor that forefronted watermelon juice, and carried little of the saccharine aftertaste of other Hiyos. But some other fruit flavors came on strong and confusing, then left on a hollow note. A passionfruit tangerine tasted oddly like Fruit Stripe gum. A strawberry guava looked like natural wine when poured, but tasted a bit like strawberry candy and Lucky Charms.
Functional Drink Brands We Didn't Like
Kin Euphorics for $35 an 8-pack: Kin Euphorics, co-founded by supermodel Bella Hadid, has the most aggressive and TikTok-tailored It-Girl marketing, the highest prices for the smallest containers, the most individually tailored functions for each functional drink. One wakes you up, one puts you down, one (Bloom) seems coded as a sort of aphrodisiac. But why does the aphrodisiac have to taste and smell like Flintstones vitamins that have been crunched up by a man's bare feet? Why is the pick-me-up (Actual Sunshine) spiked with more ginger than Scotland and Ireland combined? Should a “Luna Morada” nighttime drink smell like a mix of cinnamon air freshener and urinal cake, and taste both sweet and confusing? The weirdness probably makes Kin seem more like medicine, especially in its tiny 9-ounce package. But I can't call it pleasant, even with the spoonful of sugar.
Mitra 9 Kava for $30 a 4-pack: Mitra 9 is a brand equally focused on kratom products, a variably regulated drug often used by people trying to quit opiates but also broadly available at convenience stores. Medical professionals tend to warn of kratom's own potential for addiction. But Mitra also makes non-kratom kava flavors, which we didn't like nearly as well as the ones from Melo. While Mitra's lemonade and coconut lychee flavors did actually effectively cover up the muddy flavor of kava, the actual drink flavors were kinda worse than what they were covering up: The coconut tasted like suntan lotion, while the lemonade tasted like a cleaning product.
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