Let’s say you get negative feedback in public. It’s blunt, even abrasive. You instinctively bristle: they’re wrong, they don’t get it, they’re trolling. So naturally, you push back. But your rebuttal only makes the critic double down, and now others are piling on. You clarify your position, but it only gets worse.
Why does this happen, and what can you do about it?
Feedback is a regulatory mechanism
Imagine a thermostat for your credibility. People form an opinion on what the correct setting should be, and they regulate if the reality seems off. If you’re above their setpoint, people feel you’re overrated and want to bring you down; if you’re below it, people feel you’re underrated and want to build you up. And the farther off you are, the more they’ll overcorrect.
When someone is frustrated with you (or your company, or your product), they have a view of how much you should be dinged for something. Venting in public is a way to regulate your reputation and achieve the proper homeostasis, like turning a thermostat toward the desired setting.
This means that the substance of someone’s feedback is totally separate from their frustration or desire to be heard. Complaints often seem unfair and you might want to jump to fact checking, but that won’t get anywhere unless you first resolve the frustration and make people feel that you actually listened. (It turns out facts do care about our feelings.)
Resistance is escalation
When you reject someone’s feedback, you’re implying that (1) they’re wrong, (2) they’re possibly dumb, and (3) they don’t have the authority to judge you.
To be clear, sometimes that’s all true and you need to fight or ignore. But in this case, we’re focusing on substantive feedback from people who matter, like your customers.
By rebutting, you’re forcing them to justify and defend their initial statements. Either they were wrong to raise it or you were wrong to resist! Their choice is obvious.
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