Published on 31st Jan 2026
Listen to understand
You can captivate someone not by what you say, but by how you listen.
A long time ago, I had a conversation with my girlfriend. How was your day? Not great, my group has an assignment due next week and someone hasn't even started their part. Normally, I would respond in one of two ways:
1. Talk about myself That sucks, last semester I had to do a group assignment. I hated it. One guy had no idea what he was doing while another one was ... Humans are wired to be egocentric. When we hear something related to a past experience, it triggers memories and associations — which we then want to talk about. Shifting the attention from her to me. This is my default state when I'm not focused. I'm not really listening. I'm just waiting for my turn to speak.
2. Try to fix them Have you tried asking the lecturer if you can get marked just for your section? Or if that person can be removed from the group? I give advice, but I'm still not really listening. I hear a problem and reflexively throw out weak solutions. Problems she brings up in conversation are hard to solve — otherwise she wouldn't bother. Anything I suggest after hearing only a couple of sentences has probably already been considered. This response also assumes she wants advice. Often, she doesn't. She just wants someone to listen.
There is a third approach I accidentally stumbled upon that would captivate her. It wasn't from telling a grand story or giving some profound insight into her problems. It's just from trying to better understand her. It looks something like: That sucks. What's your relationship like with that person?
How to
Pre-conversation
At the end of a day, right before I saw her, a flood of things I wanted to tell her would rush into my head. How my day went, some funny video I found on YouTube, plans for the weekend... The same things would be going through her head. The result is two people primed to talk, not to listen. So, just before I saw her, instead of thinking about what I want to say, I would think how I'm going to listen.
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