At some point in your life, you’ve probably read or heard about the importance of being positive and always focusing on the bright side. But being positive all the time might not be the best approach in every situation. We are all humans, and because of that, we all have a variety of emotions that we experience on a daily basis. Those emotions can be happy, sad, angry, shame, pride, envy and more. It's nothing to be embarrassed about because it's just a part of being human. And we all have our good days and even bad days. One of the most important things that we can do is express our authentic feelings to loved ones.
But sometimes people may not respond in the best way. For example, if you're going through a difficult time and have some negative emotions and the person that you're talking to only tells you to remain positive in response then that may not be as helpful as they think. This is called "toxic positivity," and it can negatively affect you and actually make it even more difficult to process your emotions properly.
To learn more about the effects of toxic positivity, I spoke with Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele.
What is toxic positivity?
"Toxic positivity generally involves dismissing negative emotions in favor of focusing only on those that are positive," said Leno. If you talk to someone having a hard time but only express positivity in return, setting aside their true feelings, they are likely suffering from toxic positivity.
We can apply this to ourselves or each other, and it is often learned as a social trait. For instance, you may have heard phrases like "Toughen up; it isn't that bad" or "Just smile and get through it." These phrases aren't necessarily always used as toxic positivity; communication can have heavy nuance, but the ideas contained within these phrases are strongly representative of how toxic positivity can manifest.
In many cases, toxic positivity may be a form of gaslighting as well. The American Psychological Association defines "gaslight" as "to manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences or understanding of events." Suppose you attempt to make yourself or another person feel irrational and unreasonable for having negative emotions instead of positive ones. In that case, you may be engaging in both toxic positivity and gaslighting.
"When toxic positivity is used in a relationship, it may resemble gaslighting, as partners may use it to control and manipulate circumstances," said Leno.
Brightsiding is a similar phenomenon to toxic positivity, but not always as extreme. They are often used synonymously, but brightsiding can also express a situation where the negative emotions are downplayed but not ignored. In contrast, toxic positivity tends to exert more pressure to fully disacknowledge negative emotions in favor of positive ones. Leno said these two phenomena are very similar: "They discourage real emotions and may cause one to feel emotionally constricted. They don't want to deal with your 'negative' emotions, so they discourage you from discussing them."
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