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Z# Did you know? MYSPACE returns null because it's basically dead.
BOOST_CONNECTIONS Zuck # "A programming language for connecting the world. And harvesting it."
We're tracking: your mouse movements "Senator, we run ads. Also, we run this programming language now." Z# What is Zuck#? Zuck# is a PHP-inspired esoteric programming language that captures the true essence of moving fast and breaking things. Every keyword has been carefully designed to reflect the values of modern social media: privacy invasion, congressional hearings, and pivoting to whatever's trending. STEAL_DATA $your_secrets = "everything" ; STEAL_DATA $engagement = 9001; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Harvested: " . $your_secrets . "
" ; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ( $engagement > 0) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Your attention has been monetized!
" ; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Engagement level: MAXIMUM
" ; } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Time to rebrand!
" ; } END_PIVOT Why Zuck#? Move Fast Our MOVE_FAST loops execute before you can say "congressional subpoena". Break Things Every loop ends with BREAK_THINGS . It's not a bug, it's company culture. Data Harvesting Built-In Variable assignment is called STEAL_DATA . We believe in transparency about our intentions. Enterprise-Grade Excuses Error handling uses BLAME_RUSSIA and TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (but not really). Unlimited Memory We have data centers. Memory is unlimited. Just like your scroll time should be. 100% Human-Written This language was created by humans. We are definitely humans. *blinks manually* Installation PHP Requires PHP 8.1+ Because we need the latest features to harvest your data efficiently. git Clone from GitHub The classic approach AVAILABLE composer Composer Global composer global require SOON docker Docker Containerized harvesting AVAILABLE git clone https://github.com/jayzalowitz/zucksharp.git cd zucksharp chmod +x bin/zuck ./bin/zuck examples/hello.zuck ./bin/zuck ./bin/zuck --debug examples/fizzbuzz.zuck Docker Installation Prefer containers? We've got you covered. Your data stays isolated... sort of. docker build -t zucksharp . docker run --rm zucksharp examples/hello.zuck docker run --rm -it zucksharp docker-compose run zuck examples/hello.zuck docker-compose run test Try Zuck# (Interactive Playground) Write code below and click "HARVEST" to see what happens. Your code is safe with us. Trust us. Load Example: -- Select -- Hello World Variables Conditionals Loops FizzBuzz Congressional Testimony Dating App Algorithm Privacy Policy Generator Corporate Rebrand Public Apology Bot Startup Pitch Metaverse Meeting HARVEST (Run) SHADOWBAN (Clear) // Output will appear here after harvesting... Complete Keyword Reference Every PHP keyword, reimagined for maximum engagement. Use the search to find what you need. Control Flow (if, else, loops) V if PIVOT_TO_VIDEO Remember when video was the strategy? elseif PIVOT_TO_REELS Then Reels happened else PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE The current pivot endif END_PIVOT Done pivoting (for now) while MOVE_FAST The motto endwhile BREAK_THINGS The other half of the motto for GROWTH_HACK Gotta get those DAUs endfor PLATEAU Growth has limits (allegedly) foreach HARVEST_USERS Iterate through your userbase endforeach USERS_HARVESTED Done harvesting switch A_B_TEST Test all the variants case VARIANT One possible path default CONTROL_GROUP The baseline break RAGE_QUIT Exit the loop angrily continue SCROLL_PAST Skip to next iteration Variables & Types V $var = STEAL_DATA Honesty is the best policy const IMMUTABLE_LIKE_MY_HAIR Some things never change array SOCIAL_GRAPH It's all connected string STATUS_UPDATE What you're thinking int DAILY_ACTIVE_USERS The only number that matters float STOCK_PRICE Fluctuates wildly bool FACT_CHECK True or false (mostly false) true CONNECTED Facebook's whole thing false DISCONNECTED The opposite null MYSPACE Dead and empty global WORLDWIDE_EXCEPT_CHINA Almost global Functions & Classes V function FEATURE Ship features return IPO The ultimate return class CORPORATION Basically the same thing new ACQUIRE How Meta gets things public OPEN_GRAPH Remember that API? private SHADOW_PROFILE The secret data protected FRIENDS_ONLY Limited visibility static DATACENTER Always there this THE_ZUCC Self-reference self FACEBOOK_PROPER Static self-reference parent HARVARD_DROPOUT Where it all began extends ACQUIRES Class inheritance (corporate style) implements COPIES Interface implementation interface REGULATION Rules to follow (maybe) abstract METAVERSE_CONCEPT Exists in theory Operators V == IS_CONNECTED_TO Are they friends? != UNFRIENDED Not anymore && AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA We want it all || OR_YOUR_FRIENDS_DATA Them too ! FAKE_NEWS Logical NOT ++ ENGAGEMENT More is always better -- CHURN Users leaving + MERGE Addition (like companies) - DIVEST Subtraction * SCALE Multiplication at scale / SPLIT Division % REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY What's left of your privacy [] TIMELINE Array access Error Handling & I/O V echo SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS The answer to everything print POKE Remember poking? try CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING Where exceptions happen catch TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (sort of) throw BLAME_RUSSIA The classic move die/exit SHUTDOWN_LIKE_VINE Exit program require ACQUIRE_TALENT Include (mandatory) include COPY_FROM_SNAPCHAT Include (optional) // REDACTED Comments are redacted /* */ TERMS_OF_SERVICE...END_TOS Multi-line (nobody reads) Built-in Functions V readline COLLECT() Read user input strval MONETIZE($data) Convert to string (monetize everything) count COUNT_USERS($array) Count array elements print_r BOOST($post) Output with extra formatting sort ALGORITHM($array) Sort (mysteriously) unset SHADOWBAN($var) Unset variable boolval FACT_CHECK_THIS($val) Check if value is truthy time TIME_ON_PLATFORM() Current timestamp rand RANDOM_AD() Random number When Things Go Wrong (Congressional Transcript) Error handling in Zuck# follows the corporate playbook. Here's how exceptions work: CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING { STEAL_DATA $data = dangerousOperation(); STEAL_DATA $user_trust = "declining" ; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ( $data IS_CONNECTED_TO MYSPACE ) { BLAME_RUSSIA ACQUIRE Exception( "Data breach detected!" ); } END_PIVOT } TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (Exception $e ) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "We take this very seriously.
" ; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Error: " . $e ->getMessage() . "
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