GoKawiilTl;dr I am slowly learning to live with a severe depression, my career is failing, but at least I am not alone.
When I had my first ever internship during my BSc, my mind was filled with nothing but excitement. I was finally doing the thing I studied years for. I was going to apply what I have learned in a company that will benefit from the things I know. Sure, I start at the bottom of the ladder, but surely if I do well I will do better, right?
I continued working there as a student. In hindsight, I did so in a very demotivated state. I told myself it was because I was also doing school aside from it. I knew deep down that it didn't matter what I had to do, because I didn't feel motivated to do the work I was assigned.
When you're a junior, that's not an issue. You're learning, you're bound to write bad code.
But this feeling didn't go away. It was the same setup for my final internship. I started very confidently, very motivated, and after week three I had lost motivation. For some reason it didn't stick to me.
... and the moment you get into the real world, doing a real job, it's going to affect your performance. I had two jobs, both I have been fired from. In both of them there was a pattern. This was the feedback I got from both:
Communication is not good. I start things without discussing them first. This lead to frustrations
The work i was assigned to do gets done very slowly (with no communicating). People get frustrated, some more audible than others.
The work that I did deliver was just not of quality. Acceptation environments kept going down and customers got angry. This lead to my manager and other colleagues getting stressed because they could not trust that my work was working.
I kept telling myself "well, if X broke because of my change, then we must make sure X cannot have this mistake". While i still do not disagree, it's obvious I was ignoring the task I actually needed to do, which was to test this more thoroughly before I deploy.
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