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Working with leadership teams that actively avoid conflict has led me to recognize two truths. The first is that not saying what needs to be said leads to passive aggressiveness and, ultimately, stagnation. The second is that the status quo is almost never the right path.
Nobody wants to be the first one to address a topic that could be highly contentious. It’s much simpler to pretend that big issues don’t exist, hold regular meetings, never discuss those issues and go about work as usual. But something happens when important topics aren’t discussed and people are expected to carry on: Motivation drops, and people feel defeated.
But conflict, when navigated well, is a primary driver of trust, innovation and team resilience.
Politeness as a form of avoidance
Team harmony is a nice thing to have, but only if it’s authentic. I often hear teams boast that they have no conflict and that everyone gets along well all the time. But when I start to dig deeper, it becomes obvious that the ongoing peace everyone is talking about is really just a suppressed form of politeness.
When a team has never had a real disagreement, it’s not a sign of trust or balance. It’s often a sign of avoidance. Real harmony doesn’t mean everyone agrees all the time; it means everyone feels safe enough to disagree. And often in a workplace that claims to be “conflict-free,” people don’t feel that they can speak up. Eventually, the polite exterior will begin to crack, and what’s left are people silently trying to flee or collecting paychecks without caring about the work.
It takes time to develop safe spaces
There’s often a good reason why people don’t feel safe to discuss contentious topics at work. I’ve seen many leaders (even skilled ones) say things in meetings they instantly regret when someone speaks up. Part of the reason this happens is anatomy — the brain doesn’t distinguish between real and perceived danger. Stress hormones effectively hijack the brain, resulting in an inability to think rationally.
This is where emotional intelligence — and the ability to pause, reflect and respond rationally — plays a massive part in leadership. Those skills can be honed over time, but won’t have a chance at development if conflicts are regularly and effectively avoided. Regularly working through disagreements can help leadership distinguish between constructive conflict (personal, positional) and generative conflict (idea-driven, value-led), too.
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